Anonymous asked: In love ka ba ngayon?
Creepily cool because I actually dreamt about this question just a few days ago, and completely forgot what I answered then. LOL. I know my memory’s supposed to have excelled in law school, but there’s just something about these lucid dreams that make me forget about them.
At any rate, let’s attempt to reconstruct an answer here. I guess the obvious answer is that I’m not. I don’t have a constant companion anymore. I don’t have an automatic avenue to vent out my feelings - I may not even have feelings anymore. In fact, just to go back to one of my favorite restaurants in Maginhawa, I had to orchestrate a mini-reunion of my undergrad friends just for me to have company. Am I in love? Probably not.
But the more evasive question is whether or not I have actually been. And that’s a question I’ve wondered more than ever just recently. A friend asked me why I don’t fight for people who leave me, when clearly I was in a much better position when I had someone. How come I don’t take offense to people saying goodbye to whatever there was? And how come don’t take action in moments of missing these people?
I’ve come to the conclusion that maybe I am one of those douchebags who are only in it for the chase. Maybe I am one of those boys I warn my friends about. Maybe I haven’t gotten to like a girl in the way that they would like to be liked. Maybe I haven’t really fallen in love.
I hate this late realization. I hate coming to this knowledge now that everything’s over. But then again, I guess it’s much better knowing this alone than with someone. And I take comfort in the fact that I know this now and will think twice when meeting another girl that I seem to like.
The truth is I want to fall in love in the way adults do. I want to experience love without the recklessness, the naivety, the foolishness that only the youth can commit. I want a love that lasts not just despite me, but in spite of me.
For the past few days I’ve woken up to no new text messages, no new Facebook wall posts, and no new Twitter mentions. I am not depressed by that anymore. I am not depressed by you anymore. Every now and then, we talk and I don’t feel as desperate as I was nine months ago. Ironic how the period of pregnancy led me to lose something instead of gaining someone new.
But no, I haven’t lost you.
It’s just that I’ve decided that I’m not ready to have you yet.
Tomorrow, maybe. Someday, for sure. Maybe.
Sorry, sinagot ko yung tanong mong Taglish sa straight English. Lumabas lang lahat nung naalala ko yung konteksto (hindi yung salita) ng tanong. :)