So I was cleaning — well I tried, but not a single attempt came into fruition — my e-mail Inbox, when I noticed that my ultra-OC Yahoo! Mail account had an “untitled” folder. Needless to say, I clicked on it, and found 11 messages of ultimate randomness. Well, I guess it wasn’t that random. After all, there was a common denominator among the messages: the sender; you.
(Forgive the punctuation. I know you get irritated by too many of those.)
I’ve almost forgotten about these e-mail exchanges, but they were refreshing to look back at. It reminded me of a time when I didn’t mess things up - when someone actually personalized my schedules, communicated with me internationally, and even went out with me without asking personally. It was fun and all, until I got to the 11th message (I was reading from least to most recent). Incidentally, there was a 9-month interval between the 10th and the last e-mail, so there was really something fishy about it.
It was an alcohol-slash-energy-drink driven letter, dated two days before my birthday, on the day we scheduled to talk about what had happened, and what might happen in the future. Before that talk, I figured there was nothing much to talk about. After all, we were both kinda seeing other people by then. If anything, I expected things to end with a handshake. Okay fine, maybe a hug and a beso, but not what actually happened.
What actually happened then was that you gave me a lecture about rebound relationships on the ride back home from our favorite donut place. (Fine. MY favorite.) We were fine when we ate, even making fun of each other, namely my hair and your… well, I can’t remember, but I’m sure I made fun of you then. Or maybe my guilt forced me not to, but I digress. If anything, that car ride defined what would eventually become of us - nothing.
That 11th e-mail in the untitled folder was an apologetic one - you saying sorry for the things you said on aforementioned car ride, you explaining why you said them. It made sense, after all, but only after 17 months.
See, at the time of receipt of said message, I was still in a state of rage. I couldn’t understand why you were judging me based on perception alone; and why you were judging me because I perceived that you were going through the same thing as I am. I distinctly hating the things you said before you went out of the car, because I thought that more than anything, it complicated both our situations. So I shrugged them off. Just like I shrugged this letter off.
If there’s anything I want you to know regarding that letter, it’s that you were right, and I should have listened to you. I was acting on impulse, and I was being reckless, and it’s only now that I see the stuff you were warning me about. When I read it 17 months ago, I just simply put it off as a disgruntled past bitter about moving on. But now, I see you were just concerned about me, and I appreciate it. And while this may be too late now, thank you.
And I’m sorry for judging you. I guess the reason why I could never take the things you said seriously on the car ride back to school was because I was thinking you were in the same situation as I am, thus judging you too, only in silence. And obviously, there are a lot of things I have to apologize to you about, but since this is only about that 11th letter, I guess I’ll only have to apologize for the things in it, right? But nonetheless, and I know that this could mean nothing since it’s both impersonal and untimely, I’m sorry for putting you through that phase of your life.
Things I want to add, but can’t make more paragraphs about them.
Yes, you are more of an eloquent writer than speaker.
Are we cool? I don’t think we are. But I guess it’s better off than nothing, don’t you think? Or not. I dunno. Maybe we do have to wait until we graduate.
I agree, we can be friends, but given our (your) current circumstance, should we?
I’ve saved your number, and said hi to my best friend already. :)
And no. I still think I’m as kupal as I think I am.
One last thing, and this is not me talking like a disgruntled past bitter about moving on. But you win. You’re still with the same guy we’ve talked about in this 11th letter, and well, let’s just say there’s plurality in people I thought would replace you eventually (so far none). And I think you’re in a much better place now. (Although that doesn’t seem to be the case when I actually see you, but maybe that’s my effect on your mood.) I guess, in the grand scheme of things, there is competition. And you win.
But then again, what’s new? You’ve always won. :)
Till our paths cross again, Jyle.
PS. If that lunch offer still stands, let me know. I still would love to hear about those funny stories concerning me over those few months.
PPS. Sorry it took this long. This is me replying ASAP. This is as soon as possible for me and my feelings.
Hindi ka mabuting kaibigan, kamakailan ko lang yan natanto. Matagal-tagal na ang ating pinagsamahan, at sa gitna nang lahat ng ‘yon ay mga sikretong ipinagtiwala sa, mga pagkakamaling pinalampas ng, at mga karanasang pinagsamahan ng isa’t-isa. Ngunit kung may nalaman ako sa isang gabi ng mga kasiyahan natin, natutunan kong hindi ka mabuting kaibigan.
Hindi ka mabuting kaibigan dahil hindi mo mapagawa sa iyo ang ginagawa mo sa iba. Nagmimistulang martir ang moda mo, pero noong gabing ‘yon ay naisip ko kung kakulangan lang sa tiwala ang pinapakita dito. At dahil dito, mahirap timbangin ang relasyong binubuo mo sa iba’t-ibang tao. Hindi ka mabuting kaibigan sapagkat hindi mo maibigay ang tinatanggap mo sa mga pinipili mong kaibigan, at marami kang nakukuha dito.
Hindi ka mabuting kaibigan, hindi dahil naglalabas ka ng sikreto; ngunit dahil ginagamit mo ang kagalingan mo sa paglihim sa sarili mong mga intensyon. Na para bang ang mga sikretong ipinamamahagi namin sa iyo ay isang susi para wala ring lumabas na kakaunting sikretong alam namin sa ‘yo. Sa tuwing darating ang oras na kailangan mong pumili kung babaliin mo ang tiwala sa yo o hahayaan mong mabali ang tiwalang minsan mo lang ipamahagi, pipiliin mo lagi ang nauna. Pero hindi ito ang ikinasama mo. Hindi ka mabuting kaibigan sapagkat pinagsisisihan mo ang tiwalang minsan mo nga lang ibinibigay sa iba.
Hindi ka mabuting kaibigan dahil hindi mo kayang ibaba yung sarili mo sa mga taong tinuturing kang matalik na kaibigan. Kitang-kita ‘yan sa tuwing kailangang pumantay ang mga kaibigan sa ‘yo, e kailangan nilang iakyat ang kanilang sarili na mas mahirap gawin kesa sabihin. Hindi ka mabuting kaibigan dahil ang mga sitwasyon na kailangan kang pantayan ang mahirap na, at hindi mo to pinapadali sa kanila.
Ang lahat nang ito’y dahilan ng hindi mo pagkabuting kaibigan. Iiwan ko ‘to dito, nang sana’y mabasa mo balang araw. Ngunit hindi kita makakausap dito, ni magagawang ipabasa sa ‘yo ‘to nang sadya. At dahil dito, mas malala ang hindi ko ikinabuting kaibigan sa ‘yo.