Today I love you but tomorrow you’ll forget about me. You’ll forget about me as if this love never existed and as if I didn’t throw myself at you like a baseball in an open field. I am fixated on you and you are fortunate to have the capacity to evade the feelings I have for you. I don’t have the same privilege, at least not tonight.
I wore my heart on my sleeve today and despite you noticing, you chose to pretend it isn’t there, lIke it was never there to begin with, like you’re unaware that it’s for you (only you!) that I’ve decided to do this unthinkable. I have loved you for more than a thousand years and I have not loved you for only less of a hundred. Is that really enough to erase the feelings I have kept for you?
I keep going back to you, not because of habit, but because with you, I was the happiest that I could be. I want to be happy, I always do. And I guess that, as long as you’re not here with me, I’ll never know how that feels again, at least not that much.
Tonight I love you and yet tomorrow, I’ll still love you like I love you today - only stronger and better, like I’ve never known before.
I hate to see you be with someone else, but I don’t have the capacity (for now) to keep you as mine. I hope you notice how hard I work for you to remember me, but I feel that the relative distance has pulled us apart. But despite that, I see you and your name everywhere, and I can’t help but feel helpless in the sorry state that I am.
I haven’t gotten enough sleep lately and I’m slowly beginning to feel that this is not such a right reason to toss and turn every single night. You seem content at where you are right now, and maybe I’ll end up ruining things what I try hard to rescue every now and then.
But i can’t get you off my head, that’s for sure. I walk aimlessly on familiar pavements and effortlessly remember what was ours to share back then. I have this favorite place with you, and once during a run, I felt my heart drop when I saw where we had a house of memories built. And I haven’t felt that in a long time.
Sometimes, I feel like walking to where I think you are and just tell you that I miss you and that if I had the chance, I’d do things better this time around. But I stop myself because I know that I’ll never match up to who ever it is that you fancy right now. And because I know that you’ve been here before, and I doubt you’d ever want to come back.
(Source: infinitenap, via tellmeyoulovethis)
I don’t feel anything, and that’s saying something considering that this is actually my favorite “holiday.” I fear that I’ve aged too much to the point that I don’t even see the point of celebrating the passing of just another day in the twelve-month calendar. I never liked firsts, but for a long time, I know that there must be something about the first day of a whole solar revolution. Not today, though.
Looking back at previous December 31’s, and I find myself elated at either the end of an awful year (2011 was the worst, so I’d always remember the eve of 2012), or looking forward at the prospect of the next. In fact, just last year, I was in such high spirits that I even ended up buying gifts for my favorite people when I was on vacation. Now, coming from the same country and having the same opportunities to give, I come up almost empty.
Listen, I don’t want to get used to this loneliness, I really don’t. But I’m afraid I’m already close to rock bottom when there’s nothing to feel despite the buzz of a fresh start. I would have loved to be overwhelmed with bitterness, sadness, or even nostalgia, but I feel unchanged even when the entire world forces the contrary notion. I guess that’s how I know my life sucks, but in a similar vein, I guess I’ll never know just how to get it to stop sucking.
It’s a new year, and I don’t get just how new this could be, when I have always been stuck like this. Maybe it’s time for me to accept that there will never be anything new when the clock strikes midnight every January first.
I woke up to the smell of your hair and the sound of your voice inches away from my senses. I look to my left, and there you are, still as graceful as I remembered you to be. You are in my arms and I am in disbelief, and I instantly regret rubbing my eyes out of sheer doubt, because in a moment’s notice, you were gone. Or rather, you were never even there, at least not since the last time we shared this intimate space.
To wake up alone is a chore I have gotten used to eventually. But to wake up with some glimmer of hope that your face will be first thing that will welcome my open eyes is a kind of pain not even the worst sinners deserve. I have woken up with the sight of your beaming smile, but to be deceived by my very own senses is an act that deserves to be punished.
But the punishment is too cruel and unusual. How dare you creep into my life like that and torment me with a sudden withdrawal of unsworn promises? I am not a smart man when it comes to you, and I may end up doing something stupid and love you more, love you again, and love you back - even without the expectations of you loving me in return.
I keep thinking that maybe there’s a way out from all of these. But until I find that escape route, my habits will be firmly fixated on helping you reach that happiness I’ve long given up on for myself. Do not be annoyed even you don’t want me to do this. Maybe you’d ignore it, or maybe you’d even reject it. But please, do not ever question what it is I feel for you - it’s the only thing I know to be true.
I’ve always reveled at that fact that you can tell me anything. I always saw it as a sign of trust - something I have cherished for a very long time. After all, this trust has always defined who were to each other, no more, no less.
But now and again, I hate the fact that you don’t filter your words when you say them to my face. I hate knowing that there’s never anything more than what you say, because everything has already been said. Every now and then, I look for the possibility of just a few more words in order to complete the thought of your love for me. But alas, they are never uttered. Probably because such thought is an impossibility at all.
Listen to the words you do not say. Those are the words that make all the difference. I have grown accustomed to the truths I have always heard. Please allow me to refuse hearing the lies you never state.
Without you knowing, I have written our story to start with you & me, and then end with us. But do not worry, I left a tiny space towards the end for you fill up. The question is - which punctuation mark are you going to use?
This is a season of sadness because there’s not much choice. Either you relate to the festivities all around, or succumb to the fact that you just can’t feel what everyone else is feeling. Sure, the company is one of smiles - but smiles can be faked, not like the ache that settles inside.
What do you do when all you can do is not do? What are the words you say when you have designed your speeches to be devoid of the truth that matters? Who do you turn to when you cannot accept the fact that the only shoulders that you want to lay your head upon may not even have space for you? There is the possibility of success in action, but there is the certainty of non-failure in inaction.
I lie down alone with the hopes of winning a bet I never entered. Because while my heart wagers of loving you in a way I’ve never before, my entire being refuses to throw what I’ve worked for just up to chance.
But then again, a chance is the only thing I want from you.
Give me that and I’ll prove even myself wrong.
We are like asymptotes, we will never meet. I am that curved line that desperately seeks our intersection, while you remain that stern horizontal line that never even notices my approach. You are a lifeline who lifts me up without intending to do so and yet you are also a flatline that kills without knowing that you do. Open your eyes and look at how much you mean to me, and then be afraid of the power you hold in your hands and in my heart. I have let go of you, but I can never escape what you can do to me.
Looks like something I would actually write.