Verse Perverse

Mar 27

Anonymous asked: I think we have more in common than I originally thought, and one of them is about fighting for what we want, no matter the odds. I believe that things do pass, as earlier Asked, and that's why when you recognize something that makes you extraordinarily happy, you fight for it. High risk, high returns. SANA positive and ROI. HUHU. -T

Or maybe you might misread the words I lay down here. While I do believe that there was a time I could seriously tell myself that I could get what I want, I can’t help but feel afraid that that period of my life has already elapsed.  

I can’t pin point exactly when it stopped happening, but it did. And I can’t remember exactly why it happened, but there’s a reason why. But I don’t want to know anymore. It’s not like it’s going to make me braver.

I’m sorry for maybe lying to you through my verses. But I am not a fighter. At least, I no longer am.

Funny. I always thought I would only stop fighting when I already have something that will make others not worth the fight. I never expected that I would wave the white flag against having a chance to fight for it.

I should have fought for her.
I should have fought for us.
True, the best and worst lessons are learned in retrospect. 
And I’m not even sure if this is a good or bad lesson.

Anonymous asked: I seriously got your point, but along the way of wallowing in sadness, I thought to myself that hey, it's enough, it's unfair. The other's enjoying his life and I am still here stuck. Have you ever thought of that as well? How long?

Good for you! I’ve always thought of it that way, but I can never move past where I continue to stand today. I don’t know if part of it is hinged on the hope that I’ll eventually get what I want just by waiting for it, or maybe it’s because of sheer stubbornness; but then again, I don’t think it really matters why.

I think what we should focus on is figuring out  a new place for us to want to be in, and work towards that. But I guess I’ve never found a more comfortable place to move in to.

So while this is not exactly the most satisfying place to be in, I can’t get out because I have nowhere else to go. And I can’t risk just going without knowing because I fear that I might get stuck in a bigger hole than where I am now. And heh, this one’s already a pretty big hole.

I guess what I really want to say is that I envy you on making the risk and surviving a fall (or a non-fall). Maybe I’ll learn to be as brave.

Mar 25

One day, I will find the words that I would want you to hear. And when I do, I will not write them down like what I’m doing now. Instead, I will forget about them, and try again another day. I will keep prolonging this exercise because it’s a reasonable excuse to think about you over and over again. 

Over time, the words will change and the purpose will be lost somewhere in the shuffle. But always know that in who I am, you are a constant. I may never reach that moment when my words will be perfectly certain, but never doubt my sincerity in this helpless and hopeless search for this customized vocabulary.

One day, I will figure out what it is exactly that I want to tell you. Only then will I find the courage to actually do. 

Anonymous asked: You know what, at times I see myself in you. You know, longing for that someone, hoping that he gets to read every word I write. Anyhow, I'd like you to know that one day everything will come to pass :) PS. I seriously love your words so keep writing.

Do you think that we should get a say on how it will come to pass, though? I mean, do we just let things run their course until there’s no more turning back, or do we have to fight for as long as we can, until there’s no more choice but to surrender. Maybe I’m too much of a pessimist to believe that things coming to pass is a good thing, but I’ll take your word for it! Thank you for the kind words. I find that I do need them every once in a while :)

PS. Hey, send me your blog link! I’d love to love your words, too.

Mar 24

I apologize to my heart, who has gone through so much in just a matter of a weekend. I apologize to my mind, who will go through hell in the next 7 days (or even more). I apologize to my body, who feels the ache of this mental and spiritual abuse.

But most of all, I apologize to myself, as a whole. Because a person can only take so much, and yet, despite the loneliness of all circumstances, I refuse to change a single aspect of this life that I have been living. But then again, maybe I also have to thank myself for not considering the wild alternative.

If I look forward enough, there should be a light at the end of this tunnel. How come I can’t see it? How come this seems like to be an uncomfortable challenge? How come I can’t seem to see myself beyond the obstacles?

Tonight, I lay down a verse, because it’s the only thing that time permits. But maybe it shouldn’t be so. Maybe there’s a way out that I have never considered before.

Or maybe, and quite simply, this is the end.

I have finally figured out exactly what I want to say. And even though they’re all clichés, please believe them when I get the chance (and the balls) to tell you.

Mar 22

Anonymous asked: Are all your emo posts about one person?

Yes.

It’s always about the one writing these posts.

Mar 14

[video]

Mar 13

Anonymous asked: alam ba ng taong gusto mo na gusto mo siya? paano kung gusto ka rin pala niya pero iniisip niya na para sa iba yung tweets mo? kasi baka malungkot ka pero wala ka naman palang ginagawa para sumaya. think about it. just from someone who more or less had gone through the same things you're going through :)

Hindi ko alam e. Feeling ko alam naman niya. Sinabi ko na rin naman, pero baka hindi ko rin naman sinabi lahat? Pero kung iisipin ko naman, wala na rin naman yata akong masasabing makakapagpabago ng sitwashyon ko ngayon.

Gets kita. Hindi ikaw ang unang nagsabing ang kalungkutan ko ay resulta ng paulit-ulit kong pagmumukmok. Pero ewan ko, sanay na kong malungkot e. Nagiging comfort zone ko na siya. Siguro kaya wala akong ginagawa para sumaya e dahil hindi ko naman nararamadaman na kailangan kong maging masaya.

Feeling ko kasi, hindi dapat kasiyahan ang endgoal nating lahat. Feel ko kasi yung kasiyahan, pansarili lang e. Oo, baka nakakahawa maging masaya pero hindi rin lagi. Naiintindihan ko kung bakit importante maging masaya, pero feeling ko mas importante maging mapagbigay o mapagmahal o mapagkakatiwalaan. At lahat ng iyon, hindi kailangan maging masaya naman.

Siguro, sapat na kasi saking malaman na marunong pa kong magmahal. Na kahit hindi gano’n ka-saya ang pagmamahal na ginagawa ko, okay lang. At least, nakakapagmahal. At kung kaya kong magmahal nang malungkot ako, shet, pa’no pa pag masaya na talaga ako?

Pero thank you a! Usap tayo, kwentuhan mo ko ng pinagdadaanan mo. :)

Anonymous asked: I have always loved your every word :) Keep writing, Jyle! :)

Thank you! I do my best to find time and inspiration. I apologize if my words aren’t too ~poetic these days, and I recognize that. I’m still finding the right amount of sadness that creates b e a u t i f u l art. Either way, please be patient with me. :)